Rider Green Chicken Chili

(or “pollo chile verde” if you wanna be a dick about it)

Suggested Listening:

Mogwai –  Rano Pano

Robert Johnson – They’re Red Hot

Ulver – I Troldskog Faren Vild

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah – Gimme Some Salt

Suggested Drinking: Grolsch Premium Lager

Buy, grow or steal:

-       6 Anaheim or Pablano Peppers

-       Oil

-       About 1/3 a produce bag worth of tomatillos

-       Half a large onion, diced

-       4-5 garlic cloves minced Goodfellas style

-       One handful of fresh cilantro

-       4 Chicken breasts, on the bone

-       Sugar, ground cumin, pepper and coarse salt

-       2 cans of chicken broth

-       3 Tbsp ReaLime

-       A slow cooker

 

 ....So I’ve made this one a couple times, and I'm not sure if I return to it because it's just that good, or if it’s because I think it’s kind of badass to do your own oven roasted peppers…

  What I do know is that it’s a bitch dealing with the tomatillos. They’re a bitch to find.  When you do find them, it’s a bitch to find good ones  AND they’re a bitch to prep.  If you have a decent grocer and you can afford to be picky , I find medium to smallish is better than large (insert penis joke here).

Alright, screw leaving the best til last, lets roast them peppers!  Grab a baking tray, brush the peppers with the oil, and toss them under the broiler.  Vegetable oil does better under a broiler than olive oil which can cause some smoke.  

We want them to be a solid brown, so keep an eye on them and turn ‘em with tongs when necessary.  Don’t worry about overdoing it – under-roasting them is bad news later on.  When they’re done, throw them straight into a bowl, seal it up with saran wrap and set that shit aside. We want it to get sweatier than a Turkish steambath in there.  Thats gonna help them peeel...

Now lets get to those dirty effing tomatillos.  Start by peeling the husks.  They are sticky like a bastard under there.  If the husk won’t come clean, get it under the warm water.  Once you got them rid of husks and goo, cut them up.  I section them like you would an apple, but hey – you do what you feel.  Throw them in the crockpot.

 I’ll assume the tomatillos took you 20 minutes.  If they didn’t,  you (or more likely…. your grocer) are (is) awesome – and I hate you.   Go watch this:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kl7_x8kmqOk 

 til the peppers are ready.

Ok. Grab the peppers and pull the skins off.  If you didn’t mess up your roast job, they should be practically falling off.  If not, lesson learned.  When you’re done, pull the stems out, slice them, lay them out flat, and scrape the rest of the guts out with the blunt side of a knife.  Chop ‘em up.

Throw the onion and garlic into the pot. Cover them with a liberal dusting of cumin. Sprinkle with the sugar and salt.  And now the peppers.

Pull the skin off those chicken breasts, cover them in salt and pepper and lay them in the pot bone side up.  Chop up the cilantro (and don’t toss the stems, that’s the flavour!!) and get it in that pot, chased with the broth.   Set it to lo. It's gonna start smelling good - keep your greasy mitts off that siren of a lid for 5-6 hours. 

Once she's all stewed up, shred the chicken, toss the bones, stir in some lime juice, and she’s ready to go (insert momma joke here).  Serve with some rice, top with feta and some fresh cilantro!!



As for how many ballsacks out of 10 this gets, that will be for the crabby ho herself to decide, but I will say I shed a tear when the crockpot runs dry. I will add that the peppers used here are very mild,  if you want some heat, dice up some jalapenos and throw them in in the last hour or so.

-aitch.

Gangsta Guac, by Ballz

Meh.

I am obsessed with avocado these days. I mean, alone they're kinda marginal... They're green, weird, fattening, and mushy. But beware: when you add a few simple ingredients, it turns from 'meh' to 'WTF YUM'!! Here is my recipe for guacamole, which I have fine-tuned over the years to become a complete effing masterpiece.

GANGSTA GUAC (serves 2-4 hungry slobs, approx 2.5 cups)


Ingredients:
-2 ripe avocados (not-ripe avocado is RANK)
-1/2 yellow bell pepper, finely chopped
-2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
-1 small tomato, finely chopped
-3 tbsp sour cream or creme fraiche (if you're one of those vegans, you can substitute hummus)
-juice of one lime
-1/2 tsp chili powder
-1/2 tsp cayenne pepper (use more or less, depending on how much Red-Hot Hoop you can stand)
-1/4 cup finely chopped fresh cilantro
-salt & pepper
-wine for drinking

Instructions:
1. Get a big bowl. I learned the hard way that this crap gets all over the place pretty fast. :(
2. Get the innards of the avocados into the bowl. If you don't know how to get the peel off & pit out, click here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEguGz_OE6Y
3. Mash the bejeezus out of the avocado with a fork. I find it helpful to squeeze the shit out of the lime, right onto the avocado. Be sure to get all the juice out! It makes the avocado easier to mash.
4. Add sour cream (or creme fraiche or hummus). Mash it into the avocado/lime goo. Ensure the mixture is well-blended and smooth - use a whisk if you want.
5. Add chili powder, cayenne, salt & pepper, tomato, yellow pepper, & 3/4 of your chopped cilantro. Stir all in well.
6. Take mixture and put in a different, clean bowl that looks swanky.
7. Place the rest of the chopped cilantro on top of the guacamole as a garnish. FINITO!!

GET INSIDE ME.

This is my own recipe, and I have to say it's the best guacamole I've ever hammered into my gullet. The quality of this guac is definitely 9.5 ballsacks out of 10. I implore you to try the recipe yourself, and let me know what YOU think!

-Ballz

Kavanagh Lake TroutBeast

The unlucky little feller, caught by none other than THE John Nagyl!! 

HI there!
This time we's gonna keep it real simple. This is my favourite trout recipe.


Ingredients:
- Fresh Lake TroutBeast (preferably from Kavanagh Lake, SK, because that shit's UNPARALLELED!@!!...if unavailable, use anything you find), with head & tail off, skin on, GOO out. Leave bones alone, we'll bust 'em out later. Ensure fully thawed, if it was frozen.
- 3 fresh lemons
- 2 cloves garlic
- 1 tsp dill
- salt and pepper
- 1 tbsp olive oil

Tip of the Day:
Fish are slimy and smell gross. Use tongs!

All y'all will need

Drink this: it helps. A lot of things.

On a tin-foil covered pan, put the fish skin-side down. Douse the shit out of it with some lemon juice, all over the skin and also the inside.  Sprinkle the entire fish with olive oil, salt and pepper on both the skin and the inside too, and rub it all over like BenGay on an old guy. ;) Stuff the trout with chopped garlic. Dust it willy-nilly with some dill.

Don't be too cheap with any of the listed accessories; I've found that they are what makes things taste less like ass, and more like "gourmet". But beware; there is also a fine line between "gourmet" and "holy shit" (in a bad way)...You will have to test these limits on your own, to find your preference. I do believe that if you stick with my guidelines, things should generally be ok.









Next, cut up 2 lemons into round slices and stuff them into the troutbeast. Also place a few on top for show. If it looks badass, people are more likely to eat it.








Bake in oven at 375 Celsius for 30 minutes.
Out it comes!! Let it cool for a bit, then peel off the skin. It should come off really easy.












Like that! CHAAA!!! --->















MONEY SHOT. So here, you can see that you just gotta pull the meat away from the boners. It should fall off the bones very easily.












And here, you see the spine and all that shit basically pulls right out. Ain't no thang.

There will be a few random boners left in the meat, but don't worry too much. Just don't inhale it like a McDonald's cheeseburger.

Garnish the plate with some more fresh lemon, add side dish, and KABLAAaaMMM!!! YOU BE DONE!

See Below: Glorious TroutBeast

OMGOMGOMGOMG

I have made this recipe, and numerous variations of it, like 50 times. This is my favorite, because it's simple (read: hard to eff up), and ALWAYS tastes good. It's like an orgasm on a plate. The fresher the fish, the better it is. I rate this at 9.0 ballsacks out of 10. The only reason I didn't give it a 10 is because NOTHING gets a 10. I'm like one of those asshole university professors.

Thanks for coming, see ya next time!

K-Bizzle's Pumped-up Pumpkin Soup

MMMmmmkay....why waste time on an awkward intro?

Hello, dinner.

Here is my take on cream of pumpkin soup.

Recipe (makes 10 big servings)

- 1 medium pumpkin, seeds and goo removed, cut up into chunks
- 4 cloves of garlic
- 2 tbsp olive oil
- 4 cups vegetable or chicken broth
- 3 cups plain almond milk, dairy milk, or light cream (I used almond)
- 1/2 tsp allspice
- 1 tsp CAJUN INJECTOR (ROR)
- 1 tsp chili powder
- 1 tbsp curry powder
- 2 tbsp Frank's Red Hot

- 1/4 cup honey
- 3 tbsp apple cider vinegar

- Salt and pepper to taste

Coat pumpkin and whole garlic cloves in olive oil, and sprinkle with allspice and CAJUN INJECTOR (chosen almost entirely because of it's deadly name). Roast on baking pan at 400 Celsius for 45 minutes or until soft. Combine broth, milk, honey, curry & chili powder, Frank's and vinegar in a big pot. When pumpkin & garlic is cooked, throw it all in a blender with a bit of the milk/broth liquid and blend the shit out of it. Add the pumpkin puree back to the liquid pot and stir in. Done.


Garnish with more cream poured on top, or a glob of sour cream, or croutons. YUM

I would rate this at a 6.5-7 out of 10 ballsacks (10 ballsacks=good). I might make it again but would consider using light cream, or less broth and more almond milk, as the soup felt too healthy. You know what I mean. It did taste very good though.

Finished product